Bleep Blorp Glorp

I woke up with the memory of a perverted dream. What stood out from the dream-is this gut wrenching feeling of infidelity. I'm not really what you would call a morning person, unless my work schedule wants me to. 

I was in a familiar neighborhood, kind of like the one i live in currently, but all sorts of people were there, friends, some family, and it was a sleep over. The people I'm currently familiar with these days, and a few from the past. I never really take the time to try and remember dreams, but it ended up stirring up memories. Something along the lines of why is THIS person in my dream right now, I'm never thinking of them, and why are we doing THAT of all things? Why would I sneak off in the middle of the night to sleep with a former friend/lover. Alas, that's not even that weird to think about, it's more real than the events occurring in the dream. I distinctly remember looking up at the night sky prior, and seeing a bright yellow orange vortex open up and goliath sized ocean-esque aliens swimming out of it from space through the sky. Yet somehow the most surprising part of the escapade, wasn't the vortex alien sea monsters, blasts, quads/atv's roaring in the backyard, or all the malarkey. It was sleeping with someone that wasn't my partner as they slept nearby. A person I hooked up with years ago with some tassive mits. Feeling more real than surreal, the smells and tastes, flooding my mind under a small blanket and shifting, then slowly coming to realize this isn't real I'm in a dream, and phasing in and out of being awake and asleep. Just long enough to snooze an alarm and go back into a 40 minute phase of darkness, forget everything once again and come to terms that I missed the bus and I need to take an uber to work or I'll be late. 

All that and a bag of chips, really had me questioning things I've been feeling lately, not exactly the thought of sleeping with another person, though the thought of friends from the past. My being as of late-and just not really wanting to go out of my way to talk or hang out with a lot of people anymore. This could just be the late stage consequences of mental illness, and finding clarity, but substituting it for boredom and security. I began to go into a faux state of mourning, seeking a visual of the people from my dream only to find a ghost of another friend. Suddenly, who cares about the chick with big tits, I remembered this random ass shorty and forgot about another friend that died. The regrets that many people share is one I was reminded of today. I miss these people I seem to forget about, so much so that a perversion could lead to a regret much deep than just sucking flat nipples. 

Some friends are dead and gone, and I feel bad when I'm reminded of how long it's been, and that i forgot about them. Maybe I'm lucky in that way. That their memory is boxed away like some old records, able to be played whenever, somehow just gathering dust until some morning in pajamas criss crossed in an attic digging through how much I've missed them. Then unroll the stairs, climb down, and go back to work in my clean house with a dirty attic. 

Perversions, and abnormal obsessions and sexual desires. Not so much of a desire, but a form of jarring curiosity that takes the shape of venus. I hate to think I'm running away from it, but the choices that are present, are deluded/incorrect. They really are, I guess the most I can do about things like this is simply acknowledge, ponder, and contemplate the idea. To speak on or write about, to accept it's a part of me, but to withstand the urge, but know that its an idea. A lot of it is also just solely some goofy rise in interests of "new" experiences, even though they're all pretty similar. I think more than anything I want a car, yet I can also see having a car, becoming something to the degree of an unused treadmill. So to even contemplate beyond a perverted thought, would wear thin shortly there after. It could just be this new found stability I'm still coping with. Which in itself is just to some a normal experience, you have a house, a job, and bills. Responsibilities in and out of work. Not just chores, but making someone happy who makes you happy. Though I'm feeling tired about it all the time. That's nobodys fault but my own psyche. It just takes that one small step towards the edge of a cliff. Before I know it, adrenaline will pump through my veins, and a smile will grow. 

Being sleepy, these thoughts I have are loopy, and inconsistent. I want to see everybody naked, and collect a small archive, just because. Not a DJ slash photographer kind of method, but just to have, i just don't know why. Maybe that's my fetish, that I want to collect a photo of every person I come across at various angles in the nude. It endures to be sexual, without perusing that actual act of intercourse. I don't know. I just want to see those things, it's like the new morbid curiosity to me. Instead of being a teenager looking at videos of people getting their heads cut off, I just want to see everyone naked. Maybe jack off to a few, and the rest just piled and organized in their categorical places. Maybe it's in this vein of an appreciation to aesthetics, and more likely it's just perversion. You shouldn't just express you the individual want to see these things, or get close to them, but they can plague you to some extent. It's a bit alarming to be honest. 

This also brings up a new found preference overall, I don't think Im just a straight person, I don't see myself as just this or that. On the surface though I am masc presenting, with some empathy towards my counterparts. That said, sexually I think I have more of a genital preference than anything else, which in a more reserved and respectful society. That sentence is pretty frowned upon, at least openly. Goddammit I love boobs, curvy butts, vagina, tight bodies, but most of all, I just love pussy (once again). Im okay with dicks, I've had so much of my fair share, and ya know, nothing against the bussy or the mega long clit. It's just easier, and I like things to be simpler, less steps. So I really don't have a good or bad opinion if someone identifies as this or that. Anyhow, I prefer tha cooch, and some nice tits are a plus, though not necessary. Sexually speaking. It is a preference, not something mandatory. I love my boyfriend, he's very cool. Glad I got this off my chest. 

Sometimes dreams suck, because they are surreal circus mirrors reflecting what I can't understand right away. 

yeah. 

mental health is so weird

everything in life is such a major influence all the time 

even when you take the time to unravel your own mental mysteries its- like undoing a lifetime of alterations 

but living in fear, denying yourself an escape in exchange for convenience is just tackling on a further hindering of setbacks …maybe . I say Maybe to a lot of these situations/circumstances. My experience is similar to a lot of other ones, but that's it-it's just similar. They're not the exact same thing, what worked for me, might not necessarily work for others. 

this entry I'm doing today shouldn't serve as a how to, or a too in depth anything. Im just talking. ... maybe

its also interesting to note that its not all anger and violence and fear. It can also be energy, power, confidence, euphoria. Distortions submission/dominance. The world, life..is magick. Sometimes it's not, sometimes, it's sitting in a room for too long. 

my attempts started as flukes and have over time become successful. It took a lot of saying No to people, moments, and myself.  It takes a buttload of patience to be in a league of your design. Its awkward being in a room where people are hesitant to say the wrong thing to you. They don't know if you’ll snap or be yourself 

the person they may have been accustomed to, was not the True version of yourself 

writing on this thing is helping me cope with the lack of drive i have these days. I don't know what it is exactly, but I can guess it's not enough sleep and exercise. 

Advice I'd like to share but it's probably not any good.

1. don't ever start or use addictive substances like nicotine,etc.

2. try new things you don't like or are afraid of-even at the risk of getting injured. 

3. don't suggest to do things you're not willing to do first, at 110%

4. use an inside voice. If you can't get your point across quietly, it wasn't worth hearing in the first place. 

5. Get into fist fights at a young age, and also how to avoid them. The understanding of war and peace, will steady anger issues later on in life. 

6. focus on listening. Force yourself. Hear, memorize, and recite what you've heard. Good or bad. 

7. it's better to fake squash a beef and go your separate ways. Than to harbor disdain for someone, and not feel comfortable going out. 

8. if you don't like something, try to do something to change that. I hate ads, so I always try to find ways to block them. 

9. It's okay to be okay with not being interested in stuff

10. if you find yourself not meeting deadlines. Start saying no to projects you can't finish. Finish what you can, then reflect on why you weren't able to. 

11. Make investments and ways to make money outside of a conventional job

12. break the law. 

13. be good at what you like to do, and find ways to improve on things you're not good at. Then go back to what you're good at, and do it the most often. 

14. taking criticism is a reality check we need everyday. But if you can't take what you dish out, maybe don't dish it out as much. 

15. keep things brief when possible. Overshare when your passionate. If it's not reciprocated, go back to keeping it short. 

16. 
    
    
    

What is going on lately...in Mah miiiiiind Maaaaaan

brain, cranium, the space that uuuuuhhhh FOG. Bleh, mehhhhh. There's a slight pulsation, i can feel the veins on the sides of my head above my ears. Pumping, pulsating, making blood flow to what feels like dough. The blood, nutrients, oxygen, all that shit coursing to a blank slate. I looked at my phone for too long, and suddenly, I couldn't think about anything. It felt peaceful and alarming. Why was I watching all these videos, what was it going to give me. Was it like a little snack. Sure dopamine, serotonin. Words I can say but don't fully understand. Addiction sure, but cognitive dissonance too? I've read enough, and actively experienced those last two bits. Is it really that though? 

There's this time period, when I put down my phone, and I find myself in this maze. Wandering to find the exit, when I reach the exit, it is simply the entrance to another one. I start to question my interests. Do I have interests? is there something I want to do? the longer I focus, the real exit is beginning to show itself. I think I need to get rid of the habit of binging all these stupid videos. It's like spinning the wheel of fortune, and everytime it lands on garbage I spin again, and again. I lock and put down the phone in a panic, and now I've lost all purpose in life. Purpose in life may not actually be real, personal or on a grander scale. It is real though, there's multiple purposes, because Im a person, not a thing or some animal. The ocean of chi in our stomachs, looking for ways to branch out and expel energy, meanwhile, being cruel to it-and letting it waste through these vacuum pupils. Vortex eyes, using up all this energy for very stupid shit. "wow i Im luvin it". I am in fact not loving it. I just have to remember not to look at these videos so much...it's easy, and easier said than done. BRACH!

I need to talk about something else, but it was nice repeating the obvious, and redundant. I really don't like the idea of artist block. I don't think I'm dealing with that now, though i feel the only direction I want to go in, is more of a studying one.I'm just coming to terms  with avoiding projects I agreed to doing, and also just accepting that my time isn't just limited to when I'll die, but that the majority of the joy it could bring will mostly go to working some JOB. A job, doesn't matter if it's good or not, I'll be working a JOB, some random somebody gets all these profits, I get a little piece of the pie, and I'm left tired, and with very little time to even explore how far I can go with my creativity. I won't really know. So the only way to cope with that is to just be okay with the little bit I have, even though I can't just put all focus on that, I have a boyfriend, and chores, and all these other things that share the minutes. Then right over again, clocking in, watching the videos that numb my brain. Get home and feel empty. 

Seems like I couldn't get away from that empty brain feeling. If I offered myself a solution it would be to physically write these plans and ideas more often so I can forget to do them, less doom scroll, more music, and more focus driving plans. Practice my spanish, people say i sound legit. Though i think my grammar and vocabulary needs some serious work. The basic stuff pretty easy, but once I get to trying to explain a process, or describe something a bit complex, I lose all the words. It's already 9pm, I should get another notebook. 

1/16, 1/8 (2/16), 3/16, 1/4 (4/16), 5/16, 3/8 (6/16), 7/16, 1/2 (8/16), 9/16, 5/8 (10/16), 11/16,  3/4 (12/16), 13/16, 7/8 (14/16), 15/16, 1. I've never taken the time to memorize a ruler, but finally did. At least the dashes in an inch. I know it's better to always go by 16ths, even better to just go by meters/centimeters/ METRIC. But we stupid out here in the good ole U-S-OF-A. 

I have to get back to work... 

8:56pm, 2/25/24

I don't know. 

it's clever, has various canons, it's got so many different forms and bodies of work. It's impressive to think it's been such a long running series. It's older than one piece. 

If I just flat out said--"religion is stupid and here's why" I might as well say any other collection of books and stories are stupid. Though many are. Some are so bad it's good; or good good, bad bad, bad good, good bad, whatever, good whatever, bad whatever. 

I can say I am not a fan. I embrace even sometimes find delight in various forms of religious stories, poems, wisdom. Though I also resent, repent, and regret ever spending too much time on it. Even though I'm not a fan-per say, I still read and consume media related to and directly about many faith/belief/organized religions. I like faux practice, and learn what it is about all this lore, that is in my opinion - "made up". If you say make-believe slowly, it rings with my feelings about faith in the unknown and somehow it makes me smile and then frown, and I just sit here with that thought. That much is true. 

Make-Believe. For so long there are many ways of making something-and believing in it, or it was made before and we're led to believe it.  Santa, tooth fairy, easter bunny, the president, god, and even saving 10% or more when you switch to viagra. 

Roland fryer, economist professor from harvard, did research on racial bias in police shootings. Was also suspended for 2 years for sexual assault allegations, did some training and has been brought back to teach. With a lot of criticism of potential flaws on his research for lack of racial bias in police shootings, it has be challenged by the institution he's a part of. If you stumbled on this via tik tok, on the surface it seems like "oh wow no racial bias" crazy. Cops are just assholes. For the record, I don't like cops, I don't really care if they're people, or if they're the good ones, or the bad ones. What they represent is wack, you wana help? take off the badge and do it without your bros dawg. ANYWHOooo. "An Empirical Analysis of Racial Differences in Police Use of Force- Roland G. Fryer, Jr"  That's the title with the PDF of the original. It's long. Roland Fryer is wrong: There is racial bias in shootings by police  <- that's the rebuttal. Long-ish reads, but basically one guy spend like 2 years seeing what the numbers say about human lives lost and if race had anything to do with those shootings, whether or not being black meant you'd be more likely to get shot than if you were white. 

I'm not very good at simplifying stuff like this. But in a dumb and lazy way of saying it. there's a difference between "racial bias", "statistical discrimination" , and "shootings by race" WILD. I guess. So in conclusion. Black/Brown people are more likely to be shot by police in the instances of stops and arrests, and other similar scenarios where police just happen to be there. It's good to note, that there are less black/brown shootings if the mayor is black. *Shrug* 

Why am I saying all this? well cause a lot of those statistics where simulations of shootings based on numbers. In sum. Brown and black people do get shot more than white people by cops. womp womp. (please dont shoot me)

grocery/shopping list: feel free to ignore this list

tweezers, mustard, ketchup, salt and pepper shaker, franks red hot, chili oil, cayenne, turmeric, omega 3, almonds, granola, yogurt, steaks, chicken, olive oil, Pot, big pot, sponges, scrubber, steel wool, Easel, canvas pliers, drill, bits, hammer, tiny hammer, yard cleaning tools, trash bags, small trash cans, vinegar, alcohol, dish soap, rulers, measuring tape, hamper, bleach, pipe cleaners, scrubbers, cd drive, staple gun, stretchers, and more to be added

I see religion as a complicated and long running set of fan clubs. comic con, seminars, websites, books, literature, lore, theories. Almost sounds the same. Though anime fans humbly may admit that their waifu is never going to be a real person. It's a good business, some fan clubs are pretty radical, violent, or started off strong and now it's current members want to rebrand into a more active. Nothing new there, though it seems important to know when you're playing dress up, and when you actually think you can fly. 

It seems bewildering when there's a billboard that'll say "struggling with lust? Jesus can save you" I think we know that jesus isn't materializing in front of us and curing our desire to want to cheat on our wives. AA alcoholics anonymous seems to employ this belief system as the placebo of making the attempt to remedy alcoholism. You can't do it by yourself, or with our help, or the groups help, or your sponsor, this counselors; you also need this scripture and ask for the assistance of a higher power-a power above us mere mortals. You simply on your own cannot. Then people mutter to themselves "you're right, only this higher power can save me". Trick or Trump? will donald materialize if a cop pulls me over, draws their weapon, and with my hands to the sun, will donald come to the rescue. No, but the rabbit of luck, a guardian peering at you from the bushes has, with a thump of its foot it has sent a wave of energy us humans call "luck". In the ancient texts of MachNookProtius, in a time of great peril the thumps of TreexAdicc (the patron hare of luck and coincidence) send powerful waves into the network and roots of mother earths mightiest workers, Might-Celium. They are alerted, and have been made aware that if they are to shake the branches of YasUntNoch the grandmother Birch Tree of fate, that it could tip in another direction. The rabbit takes pity on the human, shedding a tear from the sadness it feels for seeing such a desperate weakling pleading for the help of another being that is not there. As it thumps away, the branches are persuaded by the yanks of the roots that the Might-Celium have pulled. Persuading YasUnctNoch to their branch of fate, in the direction in will lead to the better outcome of the desperate mortal. Just like that, the wind has changed directions, causing a butterfly to spawn from a cocoon, the cop puts their weapon back in their holster, and lets the person know. "It's okay, we will make america great again" the pleading man in his seat drenched in sweat and tears, shifts his eyes at a light glimmer, and sees the hare, with a small twinkle wink at him. He smiles, thinking maybe it wasn't trump that saved him. As he begins to collect himself the cop knocks on the top and say "im gonna let you off with a warning" knocks on the roof two times and closes out with "but listen son, I don't care if you worship an orange business man, you're still gonna have to suck my cock behind that tree over there, or I'm gonna shoot you in the fucking face". The End. 

That was the book of elliot ,the false prophet and cock sucker, that I just made up, right now. I bet if I had a year to work on this maybe I could start my own religion... 

I imagine, and experience the turmoil and flaws of everything, like many others do. You work behind a counter in any business, and you'll really get the full experience of how dumb people are exactly. How can we call neurodivergent people disorderly. Stupidity, should be it's own disorder, that's the actual disorder. Oh this person doesnt talk much, or recognize facial expressions, read the room, lose or gain incredible amounts of attention in one thing, over or understimulated, fixated on things more than could be considered average. That doesn't sound like a disorder. That sounds like people who just do those Things. Stupidity is a disorder, if you have been reassured that you are a prototypical, a very typical-average-and mundane person. Going down similar paths as other people, but you don't think meat comes from animals, basically unable to learn, or branch from a thought. Mentally not growing, stuck. Why? probably because they don't want to..Of all things to not want to do, or forcing yourself to be unable to do. You don't want to understand? How the fuck do you do that? That's a disorder, because intentionally not making yourself wanting to understand, sounds stupid. "I don't get it, and I don't want to try". 

to end this off. Without seeding further into dumbing myself down for the sake of sakes. Everything at some point, based on the involvement of people, can be made stupid, because there is an abundant amount of Pure-stupid people. They are probably the purest breed of people you can come across. They are indeed the cause of things with a dumb beginning, middle, and end. The immovable object. I remember this old saying whether imagined or remembered. You can choose to be ignorant, but you can't choose to be illiterate. 

stupidity is a choice. having the resources and environment to learn and grow- is not.

for the record, I am pretty stupid. 

What about actual reality?

Once again, poor people, large in number, left in the dust. Ignored, forgotten, and yet expected to chain link our hands and keep the backbone of society strong. That's not to say we're directly responsible for everything, running the minuscule operations of consumption. Gahd Damn tho, this money going in a vacuum! Worst trade off ever! Social media overall, is comparable to window shopping in some hyper rich plaza. 

An older guy (customer) just told me he's not a "digital smoker", if that isn't some divine intervention idk what is. "how are they going to forget people like us, what would I do, I'm not a digital smoker, and better yet this pipe was made by a friend. FOBFBYAO, fear of being forgotten because you are old. 

The fear of missing out on not being able to afford what all these other people can, but if you work hard to make a fool of yourself at times but entertain or inform people they click your links and potentially buy stuff. Do we live in the great gatsby book or something. Feels like I trip out about this stuff more than Id like to. Though I trip out on a lot of shit...my manager told me to expect a call from the owner so i can break down "they/them" pronouns. Verbatim he said "he wants to know, how does it work, do I just say hey there them, welcome to the company". Mans is fried off his rocker dawg. WHAT?! Shortly after i start to remember these older cats that seem to latch on to new knowledge they've acquired and just settle with it for so long. I'm no different in some regards, but man hearing some almost 40 som year old just buzz blast; cis-het, woke, boomer, privilege, etc. When do they move on from that. When do I move on from saying "tru". Urks the ick, gets me to the core. I wonder if there's a condition that defines what it means to get sick of something once everyone likes or talks about it. Feels like a waste of keystrokes. Self alienating? Striving for being alien? Fighting conformity? Mayo Clinic?!?!?! Mayonnaise Clinic, im sorry sir, but you have contracted, mayonnaise.

You've come down with mayonnaise...YOU ARE DEAD. Dissent, or to disagree. Luffy in one piece is definitely neuro-divergent (im not sure if i spelled that right cause check spelling suggested negro-divergent and it said that's correct soo...) Luffy is without a doubt nuerodivergent. I aint no docta, but i tell you hwhat, that boy aint neurotypical. ODD perhaps (oppositional defiant disorder) couple splashes of add/adhd? and of course the big one...child like wonder...i think you thought i was going to say that word huh. One piece is a fantasy pirate show, that stretches the story as much as luffys neck. With set ups and deliveries that call back to episodes in the hundreds. It's a virtual reality show, its about people, pirates, a multitude of races, species, islands, oceans, bonds, and the strength of friendship. It has consumed me, but what if I could watch it while in a self driving car, while i have asmr videos playing, and i jack off the whole time. That's wild. Why would i even think that...but I did, doesn't mean i should. The imitated reality that we've imagined, in its entirety, is a mess. 

People are creative, they can expand on a small ideas, and grow into vast expansions. Trying your best, isn't always a good thing. A serial killer can try their best, and what the fuck is that outcome similar to..the zodiac killer...or a bad parent. "They tried their best" The best they could do was beat them with a toaster and molest them. The best they could do was blow up the gaza strip. The best they could do was wake up and go to work without showering before hand. The best they could do is cure cancer, and it'll only cost you an arm and a leg. No Cure, no medication, but a practice to improve the condition of life. Seems distant from the "reality" we've built in our minds. Has the reality we've made for ourselves, just to think it is the correct reality..and ampler than what we really experience? Yeah, pretty sure. Not sure why I believe that, nevertheless, we daydream of what is the right and wrong structure of living amongst others. Yet, we are shocked that it's not the way we've imagined it, or have been told to expect.  Albeit, is it that shocking? Perhaps even if we were to expect the unexpected, we'd still imagine something we're unable to imagine. That the reality we're in at the moment has always been virtual, because we really are unable to predict the future.  What I mean by that is, "virtual", is the effect of reality. Reality is simple, yet the more you dig into what makes it so simple gets complicated, so we use complicated explanations to simplify it. I've been doing that this whole time, so obviously, I can buy into my own shenanigans. Reality may have at one point been the freest it could've been, but it was too scary, too dangerous for people who had other ideas. The chaos we've tried to control via the trickery of people who have a superiority complex, has gone so far to the point that we've been in a labor proxy. I wouldn't go so far as to say slavery, but we're involuntarily working because there's not a lot of great outcomes, or evidence, that suggests we could do so otherwise. sad. Though that could be an effect of virtual reality.

I've imagined that there's no good outcome, if i quit my job, stop working, and try to keep my stuff without paying taxes, or getting forcefully relocated. Even though there's a ton of bums that live on sidewalks. So maybe there's a way to be a bum, but without severe drug addictions and a house? (not to say thats the entire homeless network) Seems off putting that if you own property, the house that's on it, and you stop paying taxes, you accrue debt. The bank could take it away, you'd owe money, all sorts of bullshit. What the actual fuck dude, Just say RENT. There is no Owe, it's all for rent. Obviously it's real, I dont want this to come off as "we live in a simulatiooon maaaaan" Im just saying there's no facts in the daydream we call Our Reality. Preconceived imaginations of reading into something only to come to terms that there's a lot of flaws with the words that surround what they actually mean. Is it that crazy to think, people will wear headgear that frees their hands from their phone. People have been calling and texting while driving since it was possibe. "it's illegal-you can't do it" You mean, you can't stop me, and it's only illegal if I get caught. *shrug* 

"It just isn't right, it's not supposed to be like this, how did this happen?" -the day dreamer in my head

Customer came in here "I don't want to tell you how to run your store" please, tell me what not to do by telling me what to do. Another great example of the pre-established virtual reality. Double entendre's everywhere. Red Star Vapor, its branding looks like revolutionary, communist propaganda. It's a retail vape store. I guess when I think it through, my issue with tabloids is that people have become the tabloids. We've merged with copying the aspects of what we weren't born as, striving to be like what weren't. Rich. (at least as a "poor" person). Sponsorships to push plastic, monetized ads in videos. "youtube celebrity" was most likely the catalyst for all of this. "look Ma! I can be the brad pitt of youtube". That everlasting day dream of looking up to far away mountains, wondering what it looks like to be up there, that we started making our own hills and mountains, and now we have to pay property taxes on it. We can't even seem to own ourselves. laugh out loud. (we do own ourselves, even though we're technically renting ourselves)

DSM-5-TR: to some, an offensive playbook on potentially categorizing what is wrong, right, and strife, mostly. Conflicting ideas and facts that negate ableism and neurodiversity. You can't be normal so you are a disorder. You imbalance the order that we strive to upkeep...luffy (one piece). "mutha fucka i don't give a fuck about yo bullshit ideas, i just wanna be the king of the pirates" Even the other pirates think luffys fucking wilin' out, "that's not how pirates operate" Luffy does not give two fucks about the world government, other pirates, or what you think he should or shouldn't do. Luffy, is what in my virtual reality would be an "American" the ideal person who embodies total freedom. Though there hasn't ever been an American before. 

Welcome to the desert of the real. Where what you've been told isn't 100% true, and what you've imagined and sparked from those teachings, is also not 100% true. It's only true, if you can consciously admit.. hey I can't actually own property, Im just renting it, but if I had to tell anyone that I own my house...then yes I own property and the house that's on it. I just won't tell them, that I'm secretly renting it for the rest of my life, as long as I have the money for it. Since we're all in agreement that we are simply just saying, we own, we're not actually Owning it. Just very long term rentals. Oxymorons! All of em! which includes me..Yay!  

Peanut butter. Does not involve churning cream.

Good thing there isn't a social media tax.........

8:38pm 2-4-24

getting into the habit of trying to predict things. Seems to be a good practice for survival. 

We might think of survival as being out in the woods, cutting animals open, and trying not to eat poison berries. That habit sticks out when we have an understanding of perceived threats, strengths, opportunities, and weaknesses. It's jumped so much, cause now it's more things to think about, or more things to potentially be ready for. carbon footprints, bills, food, drugs, mental health, physical health, diet, beliefs, technology, investments, education, insight, wisdom, transportation, community, tribes, secrets, fetishes, addictions, emotions. All sorts of shit. 

I counted all the money I have to spend, and what will go to bills, loans, etc. I have $54 to spend for the entire month. That money's not even in my bank account yet haha. Patience, and exhaustion seems to be a daily challenge. Trying to stay focused, and driven. It's hard to plan and stick to a plan, projections never to play out exactly as you expect, you may think you've accounted for enough mistakes and failures that are possible, but if they don't out weigh your success, then more than likely you won't succeed. You have to hope to fail to succeed? 

When you lay out your cards, and you purposefully make your odds of failing, greater than success, doing your best to succeed even with less of a chance to win, you might succeed more times than fail *shrug* maybe. 

My head hurts, there's not much i can muster up until it goes away. In short, want to remember more, want to do more of what I'd like to. 

A day later, and my headaches gone, think i vaped too much and didn't eat enough when it mattered. I'm starting to hit the books again, just been getting way to sucked into one piece. Im almost to 900 episodes, out of the 1092. Holy Frack! Bike lights charging, got some gloves for that wind chill, got some ideas cooked up for work. It's really a challenge to keep myself from complaining about the status of the store when the morale for such things has a hit a new low. "i just work here" In short has been the saving grace to those micro aggression's, I don't like to feel upset cause the company or the customers aren't perfect. My money's in the bank and I'm doing the bare minimum. What else could I ask for? More money? To do some very simple things? Not have to meet some min requirements on a daily basis or be supervised. Could I have predicted that? In this stage the things I can try to predict is; people quitting (nobody specific), a store closing, getting fired, or written up for bad mouthing around the cameras. 

I don't steal, I don't flip out like crazy. Though my gut is saying, apply elsewhere, just in case. Save save save, and make money elsewhere to get by. Buy or accquire a car and a license and do something else while there's still a window. It was just so damn comfy, where else can it be this chill for me. Maybe I just get it easy and im sympathizing too much with people. I shouldn't be bothered, though I am. That whole practice of modernized survival, get harder when you consider people other than yourself. We're not the same people with the exact same interests, goals, energy, motivation, aspirations, and ideas. We are different and it's not easy to stop caring about what other people struggle with. The small things or the big things, the closer they are to your ears, the more it hurts to hear. All that stuff far away hurts to look at or hear about, but you can shut it off. You can't easily shut off your friends. 

Predictions I can try to make. Everything will be fine for us here in the city of Tucson. I will be fine, I must take care of my body and my financial and romantic status. Will it be great, who knows. Do I want to help people other than myself..Yes..Can I afford it with romance/finance/health in mind...only 1 of the two. "nothing here to care about" I predict that my bosses will want to talk to me about ideas they have about my coworkers and the store, some pertaining to who stays and who goes, maybe myself. After those talks somebody gets fired, or told that we should do more. I predict, that if I keep being passive aggressive to my higher ups, they will get fed up and make my life harder. I will only do the bare minimum, and my plan of action is to keep a cool, calm, and collected head-count my blessings, and keep working. I will apply to new places whether the job is easier or harder, as long as it's not too far, and pays more or the same. 40 hours, no more no less, with 2 days off together not separate. If my boss quits, or my coworker quits, I'll stick it out and demand a raise, then eventually quit when i have enough saved up. If I get fired, I'll apply for unemployment, and see where I land afterwards. I must review my stubs and see where the line for extra pay and min wage ends, to determine if I should end my design contract. With all that in mind, I will be okay. If everyone quits, I get fired, I will sell things, to make up for money I don't have. Even if it means riding the bus everywhere. 

Predictions for survival, while assuming that only failure is imminent. I will be good, and so will my partner. i don't know about my friends, but I hope so. 

8:55pm 2-3-24

believe it or not im something of a dummy myself.

no seriously, im a major poindexter. You know it's weird I use that word a lot to describe myself sometimes. I was pretty sure i spelled it correctly. I guess not? judging by this sites check spelling tool. Looking up the word, it seems pretty spread across the board. Word hippo just says "bookish or socially unskilled person". Mirriam webster pretty much just says nerd. Whatever. I always used it as a way to say someone who thinks they're smart or is pretentious in that regard; when it turns out they're actually not. So i figured it was kind of fitting... hmm

Anywho, i think im a dummy. Please don't fist me. PLEASE DONT. I think i can i think can! -not! figure this stuff out completely on my own unless i have some multi-use dictionary next to me. Seriously, some stuff you try to learn on your own and its clouded by uncommon jargan and lingo. Not to mention just wild ass words and instructions. No wonder they want 60 grand at those fancy schools, you're paying some institution to get some quack who was in your shoes, deciphering all this mumbo jumbo. So you can run off and go Meh meh meh Mumbo jumbo says what.... WHAT?!?!

Im not joking, unlike that professor who ate tim robinsons burger in i think you should leave. Im not joking, there's is some stuff that if you wanted to just figure it out, you can eventually, but the time is massive to me in comparison. Sometimes the stuff you want to learn is some esoteric cult practice like tattooing or fixing something that's been out of style for the last 11 years or so. Then there's communities of helpful, impractical, or bothersome bits of info floating around. I've been plagued by the top ten curse, better known as the "what's the best blank thing" What's the best shoe to wear in a dark closet, then stumbling on that answer, feels wrong? I mentioned tattooing earlier, it's not that it's hard to learn, it's finding that sweet spot in what actually are some good machines to work with, styles, inks, techniques. Yet it's very obvious it's mostly an opinion based practice, and only 5 things are a must, even that's a stretch. I don't do tats nor want to, though i do make the occasional design/drawing for one here and there. Feels like a pyramid scheme to just study, you have to pay for all this shit like its a community college class that exploded and you have to go around town and find all the pieces of the class just to attend. So you want to see copies of a photographic collection of tattoos by ONE artist. Good luck. You can find some good piles and bit, but unless you want to pay for a paper back or hardcover of somebody like ed hardy's work. Cheers to That. 

So I get by with what i can, and i still don't feel well versed enough, is it cause im poor? I don't think it's cause im lazy and unmotivated. I've geniunely tried to get into the stuff im passionate about and it really revolved around time and money. Of which im poor in both. There's time, but the energy is low. It's hard to focus and work hard and creative stuff when your eyes tear up, and you yawn every second you chip away at the marble. SUCKS BALLS

I know what i can and want to do. What i feel like starting, seems wrong somehow. Am I smart enough to do that yet. No its okay just do it learn from your mistakes. But what about your free time, don't you want to relax and just chill out. Can I work as a form of chilling out without feeling my veins popping thinking about one piece, or my ass cheeks getting sore from hunching over a pad. While ive typed this, i've annoyed myself. I want to stop right now and make something. Even though im in the middle of making some thing. I should use this as an opportunity to remind myself of how to get better at reminding myself to enjoy myself while seeking ways to enjoy myself as im enjoying myself. Wow so much fun. Deep sharp breath. Somebodys looking over my shoulder, its myself from yesterday laughing at how much i suck at being myself. That means I should tell people how to avoid ending up like me!! yay! I'll take steroids, go the gym, get super ripped and start making motivational speech videos on old idea repackaged as something you'e never heard but needed to hear. I'll be the super flex maxxed rick rubin. i think I need rich parents first. FUCK. Screw you rick ruben, you pudgy rich hippie, your job is to tell people that could be better if you ate a bagel and took acid. 

im sorry rick, you were just an easy target. im sure that big ass house is worth being any kind of personality and gooRoo, secure that nepo bag bitch. 

How can you actually remind yourself to remember things, my first search on youtube just gave me "motivational" results, "how to not hate yourself when you see how small your pp is" type of videos. For god sakes, what did I say? Is that not clear enough? Was it too clear it was vague. See?! this is what being a dummy is like...you're just too dumb to even look up things as simple as "how can i remind myself to do things without forgetting to remind myself" lets try again (brb) ....To be Fair as hair, to do lists, post its, calendars, reminder apps, notifications-Do not Work on me. i have become immune to those spells. you're potions are too weak for me potion master wizard. I drank your strongest potion and it was weaker than somebody with an autoimmune disorder. Idk I couldn't think of anything on the spot. Without saying something like "a fat ladys ankles" or Mr glass in unbreakable or some out of pocket aids joke. Poor taste. 

Okay how do you remind yourself to do stuff, mostly when you wake up. is this just a memory issue? I can recall a lot of stuff, though reminders in general slip past me faster than an old mans fart at the amtrak. BAZINGA (fuck that show man). I've mentioned the apps and other stuff don't work, but maybe something i wont easily ignore? I open, instagram, safari, and some other shit on the regular. Maybe i can squish the stuff next to eachother and force my mind to remember- to remember? As a way to retell that scene. Since this is happening in my current time (3:04am, I stay up v late) Squish the apps closer together, and try to force myself to remind myself to check my methods of reminding myself. Or something along those lines. I know writing or drawing it out, helps a lot with remembering it. But Agh, I have some doubts. I doubt myself, cause when that grogginess is fading away-its just full on auto pilot. The thoughts after waking up are mostly comprised of ; pants, shoes, eeeeuugh, keys, wallet phone, vape, hat, shades, backpack, zip up backpack, check to make sure shits in bag, and see if i have cash. 

Maybe i don't want to remember. *GASP. probably :(

that bit of disappointment. Be it myself, or looking at the clock. :((( 

"its xx:xxpm, I wont have time to immerse myself until THAT day, then THAT day comes around, and the drive- has gone on vacation. bollocks. Bollocks, Damn it all. Sadness be damned! Im gonna do some "research" 

Not enough sleep- not enough memories affects focus and unable to consolidate memory. Hippo-campus, hippos majoring in big mouths. Memory techniques, to improve your memory. Turn it around. Memories are stored based on what kind they are, and stored in various parts of the brain-which ones? no clue, the internet guy just skimmed over that one haha. Procedural memory: long term memory. Emotional response-how you react emotionally to what you're trying to remember. Encoded-how things are structured making it easier to memorize. Linking method-taking items on a list and turns them into a fun interactive image: walk to the park, buy milk, pump bike tires. "i walked to the park and i got a flat tire on a sharp carton of milk, so on my way back ill pump my tires, and see if i have any milk" or some shit like that. idk.. the explanation in practice seems too vague -ive gathered. So the linked memory should be --walk to park, buy some milk, and pump my bike tires. Maybe with some repetition I'll remember. Now to remember to remember that hahaha. Another method apparently is the first letter method, read the passage or text a few times, then write the first letter from each WORD. so if i wanted to remember the first sentence from this paragraph.   n e s n e m a f a u t c m. :O wait a second. Wait one goddamn second!! (pauses video) Ooooh that one kind of worked a little faster. hmmmmmmm.Exercise-lowers anxiety, stress, all that stuff. Encourages brain health.  Okay, now memory palace, a technique that encourages to use a physical space you map with your mind (preferably places you're familiar with) 1 image per location-along with an association that correlates with what you want to remember.. I Want to remember these 4 things, so i incorporate them with what I connect them with. Im in my living room, i see a table, with a cup, a vape, a ninja turtle and blue tooth speaker, and i want to remember 4 things. The dishes, trash, shower, brush teeth. Im in my living room and the cup is a dish like the dishes i need to wash, you cant throw a vape in the trash unlike the trash, ninja turtles prob love wet pond showers-i should take a shower, they say some famous viking had blue teeth, if i dont brush my teeth ill have a blue tooth. cup=do dishes, vape=take out trash, ninja turtle= take a shower= bluetooth speaker= brush teeth. Now run it back, backwards and forwards. Hmmmm interesting, seems kind of useful. The first letter one seemed to click best. as I think about cup, vape, turtle, Bluetooth. I think if i start small and expand, it could potentially expand with practice. 

So if I make myself recall this real (or imaginary) room in my mind. My living room table, that has a vape, a cup, ninja turtle, and a bluetooth speaker. "i go through my living room and i see my table, on this table is a vape, a cup, a ninja turle and a bluetooth speaker...Which reminds me the cup is the dishes, the vape does not go in the trash..trash.. i have to take out the trash, and the ninja turtle should be in an aquarium and have himself a little splash, a shower so to speak...oh right shower take a shower...and the blue tooth- i dont want blue teeth so i should brush my teeth..." It's a bit silly but doing it a few times seems to stick better as i try to walk through this "memory palace" in this case my "living room memory". 

see..im a dummy, clearly if i practice, healthy practices that mentally overwhelm me i can lose that veil of anxiety. DUMMY!! Though i need to try it. memory linking, memory palace, associations, mapping, placement, health and exercise. Spaced repetition (breathing room between trying to memorize things), interweaving (switch out of things, try to memorize one cluster of topics, then switch to something else and back), active recall (really focus to remember).  Avocado, blueberries,broccoli, tumeric, dark chocolate, walnuts, omega-3(dha)-fatty fish salmon, fish oil supplements. better diet, better sleep, better memory. GOT IT. Snooze haha. 

What i might actually do is put instagram into a folder right next to my notepad with a reminders tab highlighted, i write notes semi often so that might get me into the habit of remembering to remember, then if i really want to punish myself ill open the app....that god damn app. 

now what should i remind myself to do....

3:41am 1-30-24

oh yeah maybe make tutorials for my friends who want get on the journey of cheaper living because the cost of food and entertainment is too damn high. Our overlords are not worth it. Bang! my watch brand was a good brand to make bangs and bang energies can make your heart work less, much like how i want to, I want to work less, and have more time like the time on my wrist. Bang. 

interlinked. watch bracelets are interlinked. interlinked. do you hate advertisements. interlinked. 3:44am

I managed to partially remember that linking of memories. But I also didn't try very hard. 7:49pm 1-30-24

pew pew pew 

World War III (3) Three 

Yeah As if pfffft. What a belly laughing joke that phrase is. Breaking News! people are shooting each other! *boom* aaaah people are shooting each other with bombs and rockets and guns! Aaaaaah!!! So..what if there was a point that we'd get there..are you going to let yourself get drafted? Probably (not/yeah). Whose side are you on?? Place your Bets! Online betting with confidence. Im john cena some guy that slapped people in a ring in south pole shorts down to my ankles. BING CHILLING!!! Wack wack wack

Who made the order? Why did they do that? what are the pros and cons? why are they calling it that? Do you make more money selling ads if it generates for clicks and subscriptions with that headline? Is this fact/fiction? That and more after these messages. "with fingers up my ass I can screen my self in the comfort of my home, now instead of a doctor fingering me, i can just fuck my self and find out if i have colon cancer in less than 2 weeks" 

What's is the plan to escape this farm simulator? How do you actually get out of it? To be more specific, how do you actually stay here, without being here. This city, this state, this country. How do you fucking stay here without participating in all the bullshit governed-society has to offer. There has to--has to be a viable pattern to not do what the rules want you to do. Clearly it's illogical to follow suit. My heads up my ass clearly, and ya know, I don't have cancer, so why is anyone else trying to poke around you feel?? I don't have an answer, I am just thinking and thinking, and It's there..the feeling and the emotional bell is ringing. Ding Ding, time's up, this lifestyle doesn't make enough sense, it's stupid, it's wack af, it's unnatural.

Nature, adaptation, flexibility, humanity. As the years add up, as things progress, the roots we have sprouted from are important, but we aren't just roots. We're part of a culture and ecosystem that is surrounded and shared. We're in this greenfarm and if we play along our babies are ripped away from us, with a promise that they'll be safe and close to us. Once they're done ripping us out and we're too useless. Over and Over again. Repetition can be great to learn new skills, on the contrary repetition can drive us crazy if the reward is just that. Shiny little tokens, and you get this garbage from behind the counter you could get somewhere else. Where is the real value in that? So the weeds tell us we're all important..The weeds, the blood suckers tell us we're equals. HA-HA.

Equality is not the same word it used to be. Equality is flawed in the way it's being used. Deja Vu is as flawed as equality and they're treated in a similar regard. "it's cheaper to worship veterans than to take care of them". "If we dient hav thur oiyl how we make arr bawls spin and hit the little twinks in the alley"-some bowler guy. Fair isn't fair no matter how you cut it, there's flaws in everything. Where this whole soapbox shit im doing feels good to spew out, like vomiting when your world is spinning while your wasted on cheap whiskey and beer. It's info vomit, hoping someone will clean it up when Im awake, and the smell will be bad enough to deep clean and feel that sense of accomplishment. Deja Vu- when your brain potentially spazzes out a little and confuses what you're currently experiencing for a memory or the recalling of a dream. That's actually not me shitting on deja vu, equality, or people who like bowling. Im just doing my version of peeling an orange, and the orange is a metaphor for my fixation on feeling trapped by capitalism. More or less. 

All that yapping. 

Yes. I agree, it is a lot of yapping, but if you were to tell me, you don't feel bad that shit's expensive, things are losing their value, the illusion of ownership isn't jarring. People nodding out, dragging their shit on the streets, people resorting to anything to either get by or get high. Isn't what you're feeling. Get Real dude. At any rate, Im still thought vomiting, I don't think equality (the current use of equality) is- just. Being liked or liking other people just can't seem to be that vast, how can you actually get along with everyone. I don't think that's possible. Equals...WHAT?! in a culture that emphasizes so much on uniqueness, diversity, we want to generalize vast differences and call it the same? Height, taste, spirit, weight, tones, hues, limbs, senses, memories, experiences, abilities, skills, functionality, emotions, etc. Then just sit around and call ourselves equals? I get it, gather up the group and agree we should be nice to each other and play FAIR. So as far as equality goes, it revolves around fairness, and not the exact idea of being the exact same types. This is starting to sound like BLM all over again. My issue with BLM isn't what happened, has, or will with the incidents and movements. It's the phrasing of the acronym itself. Why not PBMS, or SPB?; Police brutality must stop, Stop Police Brutality, would it have had the same outcomes or outreach? I mean that's what it was about, and more specifically the much larger percentage of black people being the grand majority of victims involved in misconduct. Somehow people flipped their lids cause the words put together "black lives matter" made em go "no they don't" at least that's what I assume. Some multi layered mk ultra subconscious racism, people just don't know better. So that's a take on; How do you get everyone on board, cause equality aint real like the way we say it is. The way to communicate a movement has to be dumbed down, seriously. If it's so dumb and easy to communicate, the room for error shall reveal WHO IS SMARTER THAN A 5th GRADER!!!! *applause*

What's the plan? taxes suck, jobs could be better, social media is garbage, buying and selling shit is getting ridiculous, politicians, corporations, power corruption and lies. Cops, lawers, judges, taxes, inflation, drugs, violence, stupidity. It's all getting too out of hand. Frankly, I don't like a lot of people, so I don't see myself getting into some huggy lovey circle with everyone, and even then, our ops? maybe we agree with how poor we're truly becoming once again, but do we see eye to eye on anything else.We might not get further than that, maybe that's enough. Set aside some hate, for the real hate, then the fists can fly amongst ourselves. However it plays out, the games should start, so what should happen? I think we all think, whether the same or differently and sometimes those thoughts are aligned. There isn't just one answer, but the hypothetical answers that seem to be out in the open right now. All sound the same, they don't sound realistic, and most of them have been tried with what seems to be no actual success. 

protest, riot, stop doing, get everyone on board. While also avoiding the wrath of homelessness, and people just quitting. 

-9:00pm (1/29/24)

this is a very popular opinion. 

I fucking hate advertising/advertisements 

they're the literal poster child of any business, shitty or great. 

I do everything in my power to never see them. FOR FREE. I will never spend a fucking dime on something to block ads, because there are clearly people smart enough to make open source add ons, and apps to get rid of that garbage. "but heechoe how are tha wich pepo gonna make theyre money :(" Idk and idgaf, fuck rich people, they can all die and go to hell. When I get rich I also hope to die and go to hell. But guess what?! that's probably never going to happen. Whether its from systematic racism, hierarchy, or just because Im fucking stupid! Who knows!! I hate ads. My least fav one today (1/28/24) is the coach ad with jennifer lopez, don't care that it's jlo or coach. But that stupid fucking, cock gargling stroke music is shards of glass scraping my sensitive asshole and rubbing in anything that'll make it sting. Fuck Ads, fuck that song, and fuck the rich. 

You're on a browser? get Ublock origin, shit is FIRE. Shreds those bitch ass ads. Iphone? Adguard, can only do so much, but we need more!! and easier ways to hear about it. Tik tok/ig reels blatantly obscuring any type of useful shit, because I'm just watching dumbass memes, so all that "discovery" crap is nonsensical garbage. That scene in spongebob...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F0K5s7-k9cs  Someones trying to sell me something!!

I wanted to talk about "originality" I'm glad people stopped saying it out loud so much. Maybe it's maybeline, maybe it's autism-who cares. You ever get a pattern where there's suddenly a series of words you hear all the time, have people been saying this the whole time in this small period of time? Yes, they're all in cahoots! They're playing subconscious telephone with eachother and they didn't include you. Fomo to tha MAX DUDE!! Mad Max Autistic Road Warrior. You're the lone wolf in a fedora, you've got a crazy samurai sword almost as long as your wolf cock bro, and they still didn't ask you to play. 

Wassup with that. 

Dissin tha wolf cock, and now every person is saying the same key/buzz words. Palestine, mog, mew, facetious, rot, autism, era, rizz, protest, cart, perc, fent, bud, champ, lit, biden, jews, texas, ye,hell yeah, genocide. Those seem to make sense. Then there's more obscure stuff, and it for sure is paranoid thoughts. It makes me paranoid. What kind of paranoia, not really sure. But if 1 week ago nobody was saying shit about vaping, or hawaii, or some tv show that nobody's watched in 14 years!! Then what causes this chaotic reaction of virus like phrases. Again to restate what was said before, This is Paranoid thinking, in its lightest form. So with that said, there was a while that that whole thing was- being clouded by "originality" arguments. "you can't be original" "nothing is original" "why bother if it's already been done" Like dude wtf does that actually mean? Really people should've said "I am too lazy and unskilled in making anything". 

Is awkwafina really in every movie? Is spotify actually shuffling my music? Are algorithms kind of shitty 

1. Not in every movie. 

2. Most Likely not. 

3. Yes. 

Is your signature on the mona lisa? No. But what if it was? you'd be the first person, with your indelible mark on a piece you didn't even make. WILD. "nothing is original" Nothing. Licharalee noting *british accent*. Is not original, doing, thinking, Nothing. That's unoriginal, plenty if not most people already do that. They are their job, they are their hobbies, they are the tutorials that tell them what to do. Striving to be as cool as the people that tell them what to do. That's un-original. Being your own thing, whether you had a starting guide or role model, playing into monotony to simply learn those baby steps, is pretty crucial most times. Though people are born already coded to do something, so that rewiring feels almost necessary. As if we're breeding amongst ourselves to just be boring, and linear. Though rebellion prevails so im not worried about it. 

It's just annoying, or it was. It was so annoying to be around people that'd didn't just do the things they said were impossible. Only some people think that. They're not interested in how great the idea is most of the time, they want you. Your touch on it. But i wont deny that they could also just want what you've produced, and could care less who you are and what you look like. There's a chance subconsciuosly everyone already is aware of that and Im just saying something out loud because I didn't get invited to the conversation. This is self expression. People might not care who you are, and only what has been produced. Insemination via a donation of your self, but they didn't want you just what you could make. Some might only want you and not what you can make, it's hard burden to bear, but that's Fresh. It hasn't been done by you, your mark isn't there yet. Until it is, there is only the potential of originality. -6:05pm.

I stopped counting the days because it aint about that, brain rot and brain poisoned (-10hp) every 5 seconds. Grew very tired of paragraphing on instagram, so we're paragraphing here. It's January 28th, 2024. If there was more money to spend it would get spent. (brb). 

What the actual fuck do I know, really. Time and time again, there seems to be a lack of expertise involved with any of the stuff in this brain. Generally speaking. Feels like what I have been learning is so new and at the same time so many people already knew. Formally late to tha knowledge. There's a lot out there, and it's prob better to just master a few things, and pick up little things bit by bit. 

There's no longer a question of how is it done, more so how long is it going to take to get there, will it be sooner than later, what are the limitations, and more importantly, what is the cost. The world runs on its own, and we dont really run anymore, just roll. Rolling on wheels, and carbon fumes. I seriously NEED -NEED A CAR. I needed a house and the immense levels of peace and gratitude that has brought out is next level. The car thing makes me nervous, stage freight. I have become sobriety itself. 

No longer interested or active in the activities, which is almost everything. Seriously everything feels like it revolves around alcohol, stims and downs, spending to be. To be or not to be there, you will not make new friends unless you're there. Daunting ideas, that feel endless, when will it end.. P-h-r-e-n-i-c nerves. Breathe Deeply. Or you'll get those strong "cramps". Meditation isn't bullshit, meditation to the individual is only bs if you want it to be. These days there's a a kind of freedom that resolves of having less friends, mostly cause all you had in common was getting fucked up all the time, and now that you dont. They're not around as much. Oh well. Everybody wins, everybody loses. It's a draw. 

So now there's time to draw, but not a mountain of time, just a small hill. That time is shared and split with other interests, activities, and chores. Some could shrink and present a slot for more fun based things, though it most likely requires a car haha. Placing all this focus, in small piles, trapped in a financial loop. Broke, work, small check, bills, scraps, and crumbs you save. There's better options? 

Literal hunger is creeping up on me. Stomach growls, passive aggressiveness with customers, im ready to eat. So Im eating apple sauce. Marvel movie with Wamen, variety of Women, hot, cool, and very corny. Only ones i like now are the animated spiderman ones. As annoying as repetition is, it tends to get me to make something Im happy with-actually happy with, not just satisfactory. The food is in me, and I need to write down all the things i want to learn, and get all the things done ive been meaning to. Idk how people are still waiting on me. Im sober now, wtf. crazy. -8:51pm